we were at the cemetery sunday night and it dawned on me that ivory has been gone longer than i was pregnant with her. what an impact that little girl made on my life. it still seems so fresh and raw to me. i still feel like i'm the "girl who lost her baby" or so, that's what i think of myself to be. although i know that isn't what others think of me. a few posts back i talked about trying to figure out what are trials and what is satan? well, i figured we have trials and we have temptations. my temptations are minimal. my temptations are chocolate and shopping and maybe being on the edge of modesty sometimes.. all in all, my temptations are not that major. but my trials are. i've always felt that my trials would be due to health and medical conditions. i just thought they would be my own such as having skin cancer. i have imagined over and over what it would be like to get a phone call from my dermatologist telling me i need to have chemo and radiation due to a cancerous mole. this hasn't happened, and hopefully won't. instead, i watched my helpless daughter struggle and suffer. and that was the worst pain i think anyone could feel.
i often felt that i couldn't handle the pain i felt after ivory passed away. but then that quote "god only gives you trials you can handle" would come to my mind. and i thought it was baloney. i was dealing with something way beyond my control. then shortly after i stumbled upon a blog post ( i wish i would have saved it, because i don't remember who wrote it ) that talked about god giving us trials we can't handle and the reasons for it. it brought me a lot of comfort. basically it said we are sometimes given trials much too hard for us and that is what will bring us closer to our savior. we will come to rely on him and have him pick up the pain that we can no longer endure. i imagine the yolk that oxen carry. one ox cannot carry it alone, but there needs to be two. i think of my savior on one side of the yolk and me on the other, carrying this weight together.
7 in a half months have passed and i've watched the seasons change from fall to winter to now spring. time has passed quickly but so slow at the same time. i saw the movie "about time" the other week and loved it. i loved the message it relayed about being in every moment and living life to the fullest. i have tried to implement that a little more to my life. i have tried to soak in the time i have with my husband, family, friends, my dog, and just by myself. this life is a gift. time is a gift.