Tuesday, March 25, 2014


we were at the cemetery sunday night and it dawned on me that ivory has been gone longer than i was pregnant with her. what an impact that little girl made on my life. it still seems so fresh and raw to me. i still feel like i'm the "girl who lost her baby" or so, that's what i think of myself to be. although i know that isn't what others think of me. a few posts back i talked about trying to figure out what are trials and what is satan? well, i figured we have trials and we have temptations. my temptations are minimal. my temptations are chocolate and shopping and maybe being on the edge of modesty sometimes.. all in all, my temptations are not that major. but my trials are. i've always felt that my trials would be due to health and medical conditions. i just thought they would be my own such as having skin cancer. i have imagined over and over what it would be like to get a phone call from my dermatologist telling me i need to have chemo and radiation due to a cancerous mole. this hasn't happened, and hopefully won't. instead, i watched my helpless daughter struggle and suffer. and that was the worst pain i think anyone could feel.
i often felt that i couldn't handle the pain i felt after ivory passed away. but then that quote "god only gives you trials you can handle" would come to my mind. and i thought it was baloney. i was dealing with something way beyond my control. then shortly after i stumbled upon a blog post ( i wish i would have saved it, because i don't remember who wrote it ) that talked about god giving us trials we can't handle and the reasons for it. it brought me a lot of comfort. basically it said we are sometimes given trials much too hard for us and that is what will bring us closer to our savior. we will come to rely on him and have him pick up the pain that we can no longer endure. i imagine the yolk that oxen carry. one ox cannot carry it alone, but there needs to be two. i think of my savior on one side of the yolk and me on the other, carrying this weight together.
7 in a half months have passed and i've watched the seasons change from fall to winter to now spring. time has passed quickly but so slow at the same time. i saw the movie "about time" the other week and loved it. i loved the message it relayed about being in every moment and living life to the fullest. i have tried to implement that a little more to my life. i have tried to soak in the time i have with my husband, family, friends, my dog, and just by myself. this life is a gift. time is a gift.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

this is late. and has no point.

 there really isn't much point to this post. just that we spent christmas in mccall and i love mccall. there wasn't a lot of snow which was a bummer but there was enough to get in a few days of boarding. my in laws have two places in the area and one of them is one the tamarack resort. it's absolutely perfect. it's ski in ski out and has a cozy little hot tub on the deck. it is one of my favorite places to get away to. i love to get up there any chance i can get.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

the corndog in me

 we decided to do valentines at home this year. our anniversary is the 13th so we usually combine the two to celebrate. i mean, that's only practical right? but.... i feel like they need to be separated sometimes. we went out to dinner for our anniversary and had zero plans for valentines. i decided to be a corndog and do something special for tanner. you have to understand that i feel so stupid doing things like this. i don't know why, i just do. if i ever wear lingerie, i jump right into bed and hide until the lights are turned off. i just feel dumb trying to be romantic.

since this was our 4th valentines together, i got 4 red balloons and taped little notes on them with reasons of why i love tanner. 

i made lobster, tiger shrimp, steamed carrots, and attempted twice baked potatoes. lobster is not as scary to prepare as i thought it would be. it's superrrr easy! and way cheaper than in a restaurant.  as far as my attempt to twice baked potatoes.. i failed. tanner loves them and i've never even made a backed potato until i tried last night. i let them bake for an hour and fifteen minutes and they were still hard when i took them out of the oven. sooo i tried to scoop out the potato anyway and ended up just making a mess and threw them away. the rest turned out good though :)


 tanners favorite desert is cheesecake. and you can't have a valentine dinner without chocolate dipped strawberries.

i nervously waited for tanner to get home but his smile was worth being a cheese head. he walked in and said "you did this for me?" with a big smile :DDD  that paper on the table has a picture of boots tanner wanted but they sadly didn't arrive by valentines. the whole point was to give them to him with a note that said "i'm so glad you walked into my life." i've crossed the line now, haven't i?

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

6 months.. whoa

i'll be honest with you. this morning, i had not idea it had been 6 months since the day Ivory was born. is that horrible?
 i was laying in bed when i heard the doorbell ring. i wasn't dressed so i looked out the window to see if i recognized the car. it was a floral delivery van so i threw on a robe and went downstairs. the man handed me a beautiful bouquet of white roses. my first thought was "tanner? is this an early valentine/anniversary surprise?" i looked at the note and the first thing i noticed was the date. february 5, 2014. the 5th? how did i not realize it was the 5th? i started counting the months and then was shocked at myself for not even knowing it was Ivory's 6 month birthday.  i read the sweet note that said, "6 white flowers to remember 6 months since her birth." these were delivered from Tanners cousin Lisa and her husband Greg.
 i have truly lost track of time. i had stopped counting the months since Ivory was born because it just reminded me that it was the same amount of months that she had passed. but this was such a sweet reminder of the beauty and joy she brought to my life. february was the month i found out i was pregnant. it was a year ago that i told tanner that we were expecting. i found out on our anniversary and told him on valentines. what a sweet thing that her 6 month birthday would fall on this month. so happy 6 months to you ivory! i love you so!

Monday, January 13, 2014

new years eve

 new years eve was SO fun. i'm not one who likes loud music, crowds, dancing, or staying up late. can we say party pooper? all together now! PARTY POOPER! but this year was different. i was totally ready to go to bed at 10 but tanner made me stay up. we went out to the main deck where the party was and i actually loved it. i actually danced. i was actually okay with the crowd and loud music. tanner got us a pina colada to celebrate harder haha. i even wanted to jump in the pool. and i kind of wish i would have. YOLO.

 here's to 2014!

 this one is just for good measure. these professional photos on the boat crack me up so i had to sneak one of tanner getting his picture taken.