Monday, October 21, 2013

ivory's due date has come and gone..

..and i'm still alive.
i was worried about oct. 20th.. like it would put me in a dark place or something.. but it didn't. in fact, i was really happy yesterday. the days prior were a different story. i had several melt downs where i hurt so bad i couldn't even stand up. one day i went into ivory's nursery with the intention of putting her things away.. instead, i organized her closet and looked through her things from the hospital and cried. and it felt good. the hospital gave me a little packet with some of her locks of hair. i loved her hair so much and i love that they gave me some of it. oct. 20th marked ivory's due date and to me, it ended everything. it was my last hurdle to get over and was somewhat closure to this chapter in my life. now i feel like i can focus on the future and getting pregnant again.

it truly is a roller coaster as they say. 

you have good days, with a high, and you throw your hands in the air and are happy. then you have bad days where you hit the bottom and hold onto anything for dear life. i still have people sending me cards and flowers and little gifts. they'll never know how much i truly appreciate them.

i have been really busy and most of the time, it's been good for me. other times i don't want to be busy and just want to gloat in my sorrow. but it's the busy things that keep me going.

then there's my love, tanner. oh tanner. what can i say about that man of mine to express my love for him? he is perfect for me. he knows how to make me feel good. he knows the right things to say, and the right things not to say. he is my comfort and i'm so grateful for him. 

yesterday my sister in law cristi had us over to dinner. my in laws were there too. cristi had everything decorated so cute. i wish i would have gotten pictures of it. she had a banner with ivory's name and everything. she got three white balloons for each family to write love notes to ivory. after dinner we went to the cemetery and sent our balloons to ivory. i loved this and want to do it every year on her birthday. it was the perfect way for me to find peace again and to celebrate ivory and to know she isn't forgotten.

i'm so grateful for the good people in my life. i have developed friendships with people i probably wouldn't have otherwise. some people have gone above and beyond showing us their love and support.





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4 comments:

  1. I just stumbled upon your blog and read your last few posts about your sweet baby girl. thank you so much for sharing. my dad passed away suddenly on august 16th and i too have been grieving. the right words don't exist to write down everything i feel. but it was nice to read your perspective on everything. i admire your optimism and faith. the gospel sure is a wonderful thing. glad i stumbled on this tonight. sending you and your family all my love.

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  2. this made me cry. you guys are amazing. we love you

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  3. darlene. i am so happy you did this, what a sweet memory and way to honor ivory. she is one lucky girl to have you for a mama. cherish your time with tanner and know you have so much to look forward to. thank you for your wonderful example and know i am thinking of you guys during this time.

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  4. we love you ivory!
    I love this all. And so glad it was captured for you.
    i am so glad you have Cristi for a sister. she went above and beyond with so many details. I'm so glad your guys' day was special for Ivory. Love you guys!

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