ivory's due date has come and gone..

..and i'm still alive.

i was worried about oct. 20th.. like it would put me in a dark place or something.. but it didn't. in fact, i was really happy yesterday. the days prior were a different story. i had several melt downs where i hurt so bad i couldn't even stand up. one day i went into ivory's nursery with the intention of putting her things away.. instead, i organized her closet and looked through her things from the hospital and cried. and it felt good. the hospital gave me a little packet with some of her locks of hair. i loved her hair so much and i love that they gave me some of it. oct. 20th marked ivory's due date and to me, it ended everything. it was my last hurdle to get over and was somewhat closure to this chapter in my life. now i feel like i can focus on the future and getting pregnant again.

it truly is a roller coaster as they say. 

you have good days, with a high, and you throw your hands in the air and are happy. then you have bad days where you hit the bottom and hold onto anything for dear life. i still have people sending me cards and flowers and little gifts. they'll never know how much i truly appreciate them.

i have been really busy and most of the time, it's been good for me. other times i don't want to be busy and just want to gloat in my sorrow. but it's the busy things that keep me going.

then there's my love, tanner. oh tanner. what can i say about that man of mine to express my love for him? he is perfect for me. he knows how to make me feel good. he knows the right things to say, and the right things not to say. he is my comfort and i'm so grateful for him. 

yesterday my sister in law cristi had us over to dinner. my in laws were there too. cristi had everything decorated so cute. i wish i would have gotten pictures of it. she had a banner with ivory's name and everything. she got three white balloons for each family to write love notes to ivory. after dinner we went to the cemetery and sent our balloons to ivory. i loved this and want to do it every year on her birthday. it was the perfect way for me to find peace again and to celebrate ivory and to know she isn't forgotten.

i'm so grateful for the good people in my life. i have developed friendships with people i probably wouldn't have otherwise. some people have gone above and beyond showing us their love and support.