Friday, December 27, 2013

mind vomit

i don't regret my last post. although, when i re-read it, i feel silly. it's a weird funk i get into sometimes. it literally is depression i think.. just not permanent. it's a feeling that consumes me and i want more than anything to break away from it. i usually can break away from it as my day goes on. sadly, i feel like it all stems from losing ivory. i get these feelings that build up and i usually try to pin it on other problems.. but really, i think it all builds up from losing my precious baby girl. i talked with a mother who lost her 13 year old daughter 14 years ago. she mentioned she has never felt joy since the day her daughter died. 14 years without joy? that scared me to death. i get where she's coming from though. this year at christmas, i was happy, but so sad. i felt a sting of pain almost every day since thanksgiving. the spark of christmas was just.. gone. i felt it the most on christmas eve. it took everything in me to not break down and to put on a face. i didn't do so good though. i probably seemed like scrooge to my family, but in reality, i was trying so hard to hold it together.
christmas day was great though. i woke up out of my 'funk' and enjoyed the day. it was very relaxed. we opened gifts and just hung out at my husbands condo in mccall with our family. i hope that next year will be different though.. i know i should have focused more on the true meaning of christmas. i just had a hard time focusing on christmas altogether. i hate saying that. this time of year is celebrated for the birth of our savior. i didn't do anything to emphasize that this year. not because i didn't want to, but because it never felt like christmas to me. i'm making a goal (new years resolution?) to make next year better. i want to serve more. i want to focus on my savior more. i want to stop thinking about myself so much and make others happy. this would be a lot easier if i get a baby in my belly ;)

after my last vent, i met with a good friend that night who i work with in the young womens. we went to one our girls choir concerts. on the short drive to the high school and back, i vented to her about how i was feeling. it felt so good to get it out and to get some good feedback. i brought it up that i'm having a hard time finding the difference between trials and satan working on me. i've never had so much on my plate that truly exhausts me trying to deal with. i want to say its just life, but through my beliefs, i know there's more to it than 'just life.' 
we talked about how much the world has changed and how much emphasis has been put on the members of the church to become stronger. my friend brought up that it would make sense, that since we have had so much recent instruction to do missionary work and build temples and to strengthen our testimonies and our families, that satan would do the same, but just the opposite. he will work harder and tearing us down and doing what he can to take us away from the church. 

i'm still have a hard time figuring out what are trials and what is satan.. but all i know is that if i do what the lord wants me to do, it will work out. i know it will all work out.


  1. I recently found your blog from someone else and just wanted to share another blog with you. Her name is Ashley Sullenger, she lives near Rexburg and lost her daughter when she was 19 months old from an accidental drowning. Anyways, she talks quite often about it and you can read all about the accident, but recently shared this post ( about the grief she still feels years later. I thought you might be able to find some peace or comfort reading about someone else who has lost a daughter but is a little farther down the road in her experience. :) You inspire me, and I'm grateful I found your blog because your testimony has strengthened mine. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so!

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  3. I admire your desire to become a mother. It is the most righteous and feminine thing about you. I wish there were more women like you, the world would be a better place. Love you Dar

  4. I just want you to know I'm thinking about you Dar and that you inspire me. I know I can't say the right words to help you feel better but just remember I love you. That's all!

  5. You probably won't remember me, but I'm from Midway and was a little older than you in school. I heard about your sweet Ivory and have spent the morning reading your posts and crying. I lost my daughter, Olive, in May last year. Maybe you write about Ivory to reach others who have lost their children...and I just couldn't read without saying thank you. You've made me feel less alone. Your testimony has been a comfort to me, as I am hanging onto mine by a thread in the wake of Olive's loss. You've inspired me. So, thanks. And lots of love to you.
    Ashley (Cowley)


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