Monday, December 2, 2013

tis the season

(i wrote this on saturday night)
 i wasn't sure what to expect for the holidays this year. i had told tanner several times i was really excited to have a baby for the holidays and that we would get to start our own traditions as a family. today as i took down our fall/thanksgiving decorations, i didn't feel sad. it was when i put up our tree and started decorating for christmas that i started to feel it. it was that empty pain that i have often felt. it's a real, physical pain in my heart. i should have been decorating with a baby in my arms. this should have been the time that we got to start memories and had our "babies first christmas." 
 i heard cuba barking at something under the couch so i went to see what it was. i pulled out a wooden children's block. we had people stay at our house while we were gone for thanksgiving and they must have left it. i was getting ready to throw it away and was looking at it as i walked to the trash can. i paused, kind of in shock. one side of the block had an "elephant" (elephants are a memoir of ivory for us) another side had the letter "i" (for ivory) and another side has the number "5" (she was born august 5th.)  it's moments like these that i feel her near. i love these kinds of things that remind me of her and i truly feel they are signs of her watching over me. 
 earlier tonight, tanner and i went to get a stocking for ivory and a ornament for the tree in remembrance of her. as we were browsing through the isles with all the options, the pain hit again. really hard this time. i could feel my heart breaking and a lump swell up in my throat. my nose started to burn and my eyes watered. i somehow held it together though. we ended up not finding anything we liked. i was kind of glad because i think i would have lost it right there in the store. walking away felt like a relief and i couldn't get away fast enough. i wasn't expecting to feel this way. i still want to get an ornament and a stocking for my sweet ivory, but i might have to prep myself first. as we were leaving the store, i picked up some random ribbon without paying attention to the color. i went to look for the price and the word "ivory" stuck out on the tag. i realized i had picked up some off white colored ribbon and put it down and turned around and ran into a stuffed elephant. shocked again, i walked away feeling happy. i have constant reminders of my baby girl and i'm grateful for them. so as far as i'm feeling with the holidays, it hurts, but i'm happy. i love this time of year so much. on the car ride home i told tanner about some traditions i want to start when we have more kids. i can't wait for those times to come :)



  1. wow.. those moments are amazing... she is definitely so close to you guys. what a sweet girl, just puttin stuff in your path to let you know she's there. simply amazing. a miracle.
    you're home looks so cozy! your children are already the luckiest.

  2. oh my heart. so beautifully written dar. moments like that are sure confirmations the lord is watching over you and ivory is there with you. what special memories for your first christmas with her. i hope you keep that block as a reminder. your home looks perfect.

  3. So tender Dar. I don't doubt those are all little gifts from above to make you smile and soften the pain. Hugs!!


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

© golden moments. | All rights reserved.
Blogger Templates by pipdig