old san juan, puerto rico

new years eve

 new years eve was SO fun. i'm not one who likes loud music, crowds, dancing, or staying up late. can we say party pooper? all together now! PARTY POOPER! but this year was different. i was totally ready to go to bed at 10 but tanner made me stay up. we went out to the main deck where the party was and i actually loved it. i actually danced. i was actually okay with the crowd and loud music. tanner got us a pina colada to celebrate harder haha. i even wanted to jump in the pool. and i kind of wish i would have. YOLO.

 here's to 2014!

 this one is just for good measure. these professional photos on the boat crack me up so i had to sneak one of tanner getting his picture taken.

it's not just me

tanner took me away on a cruise for a week. i have wanted nothing more, since august, than to get away with tanner free from distractions. a cruise was the best thing for us because we were completely disconnected from our phones and the internet and just life in general. ( i lied, we posted to instagram when we had even the least bit of service, but that was it! 'addicted' ) i can't even explain how good this felt. the moment we got on the boat i felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders. i was free from my worries and stress! it had been a couple of days before i realized i hadn't thought about everything that went on in the hospital. those thoughts had been consuming my mind every single day for the past four months. and i went a couple of days without them even crossing my mind! it was the first time in four months where i can truly say i felt happy. i didn't even know i felt 'un'happy until i felt happiness again. i had no idea what kind of masked fog i was in until i broke free from it. i thought i was doing really well considering what i went through. i knew i was in a 'funk' as i recently tried explaining, but i didn't know the depth of it. i finally finished reading a book about parents who lose a child. i was reading through the grieving process and just chuckled because i was going through the grieving process step by step without realizing it. i went through the shock. i went through trying to seek answers and comfort. i went through the angry phase. i went through the confused and unable to make good decisions. i went through depression. it was funny reading it and realizing it was normal. 

one thing i have come to realize is: every one has something they're dealing with. we met a few people here and there and made lots of small talk. i'd say 90% of the people we talked to was dealing with something. not just small somethings, major somethings. on the plane i chatted with the lady next to me. she was flying to florida to be with her sister who just got out of surgery. i've been known to pry, so i asked what the surgery was for. her face got so sad and she said her 30 year old sister just had several cancerous tumors removed from her chest and throat area. they didn't know the results and she was flying there to be with her and to help with her children. the next person we met told us her husband of 8 years had just overdosed and died. she was also on the cruise to 'getaway.' another person was just divorced from her husband of 30 years. 

everyone has something. which sometimes sucks. because you need them, but then you find out that they need you. 

i thought i would be pretty good at talking to people who have gone through a hard time.. but i found myself at a loss for words with every person. all i could say was how sorry i was to hear about it. i would rather have people tell me they were sorry to hear about our loss, then trying to feed me comments they thought would make me feel better. so that's what i did. and it's all i know how to do. 

all i meant to write in this post was how rejuvenated i have felt since our cruise. it was the best time being with tanner and to just enjoy being together. i loved having tanners full attention allllll day. it was... it was just the best. i'm excited to post pictures and talk about the stops we made.