ivory's 2nd birthday // 8.5.15

ivory's 2nd birthday was a relaxing, peaceful day for me. quite opposite from her 1st birthday. her 1st birthday started and ended nice but i was a wreck during the middle of the day while tanner was at work. tanner was in texas this year for her birthday so i prepped myself a little knowing he wouldn't be there for support when i lost it. because i knew it would lose it at some point. the day before her birthday was rough for me, mostly because it was a reminder that we hit 2 years of trying to get pregnant. i cried a lot and looked through the box of ivory's things from the hospital. every once in a while i let myself lose it and let myself feel the pain and let myself remember all the details of her story and in the end, i feel better.

so for ivorys birthday i ended up spending the day doing whatever i wanted. i prefer to be alone (or with tanner) so i can do and feel whatever i need to do and feel. i had friends and family offer to be with me but i find that when i'm with people, i don't let the sadness come through like i would on my own. i was prepared to let myself just be.

i woke up feeling extremely comforted and at peace.. not quite what i was expecting. i started the day by seeing a spiritual healer/massage therapist who i had seen a few times after ivory passed. the times i had visited her before, i left feeling better, but without clarity. i can't explain how i felt during this session.. i was able to go into my mind and heart in a way i never have before. i left her feeling full of gratitude and hope. i went home to shower and get ready for the rest of the day and a beautiful bouquet was delivered to my house. the note said "mom, i know this day is going to be hard for you. i love you, ivory." it was weird feeling like i had a direct message from her and couldn't figure out who really sent them. i later found out it was my brother in law and thought it was a very sweet gift. 

i went to the temple after getting ready (tanner and i decided this would be a tradition on her birthday) and was in a beautiful session there. i felt full of hope and just, happy. sometimes i go hoping to literally see a glimpse of my future but that's never happened. most likely never will but you can't deny the peace and love you feel while you're in the temple. i went with the thought of having more children and left with the song "press forward saints" stuck in my head. i felt like that was my answer, to keep pressing forward and to move on with the plans we had set in place.

after the session i went to eat at my favorite restaurant, the stuffed olive, and treated myself to dessert after my meal. i purposely waited to go to the cemetery toward the end of the day because nothing beats a quiet sunset up there. i was surprised to see so many things left for her. there isn't a better feeling in the world than to know people haven't forgotten her and took time to visit her. i cry just thinking about it. i brought my healing journal and just hung out and mediated. i very rarely sit and just meditate but i know it's so good for the soul. not too long after i got there, my brother and sister in law, with their son rocky showed up with flowers and i can't even tell you... the love.. i have for everyone who cares about my baby girl. they sat with me until the sunset and it was nice to have company there. 

i know this post is so long overdue but happy birthday my little girl.