a good quote

mind vomit

i don't regret my last post. although, when i re-read it, i feel silly. it's a weird funk i get into sometimes. it literally is depression i think.. just not permanent. it's a feeling that consumes me and i want more than anything to break away from it. i usually can break away from it as my day goes on. sadly, i feel like it all stems from losing ivory. i get these feelings that build up and i usually try to pin it on other problems.. but really, i think it all builds up from losing my precious baby girl. i talked with a mother who lost her 13 year old daughter 14 years ago. she mentioned she has never felt joy since the day her daughter died. 14 years without joy? that scared me to death. i get where she's coming from though. this year at christmas, i was happy, but so sad. i felt a sting of pain almost every day since thanksgiving. the spark of christmas was just.. gone. i felt it the most on christmas eve. it took everything in me to not break down and to put on a face. i didn't do so good though. i probably seemed like scrooge to my family, but in reality, i was trying so hard to hold it together.

christmas day was great though. i woke up out of my 'funk' and enjoyed the day. it was very relaxed. we opened gifts and just hung out at my husbands condo in mccall with our family. i hope that next year will be different though.. i know i should have focused more on the true meaning of christmas. i just had a hard time focusing on christmas altogether. i hate saying that. this time of year is celebrated for the birth of our savior. i didn't do anything to emphasize that this year. not because i didn't want to, but because it never felt like christmas to me. i'm making a goal (new years resolution?) to make next year better. i want to serve more. i want to focus on my savior more. i want to stop thinking about myself so much and make others happy. this would be a lot easier if i get a baby in my belly ;)

after my last vent, i met with a good friend that night who i work with in the young womens. we went to one our girls choir concerts. on the short drive to the high school and back, i vented to her about how i was feeling. it felt so good to get it out and to get some good feedback. i brought it up that i'm having a hard time finding the difference between trials and satan working on me. i've never had so much on my plate that truly exhausts me trying to deal with. i want to say its just life, but through my beliefs, i know there's more to it than 'just life.' 

we talked about how much the world has changed and how much emphasis has been put on the members of the church to become stronger. my friend brought up that it would make sense, that since we have had so much recent instruction to do missionary work and build temples and to strengthen our testimonies and our families, that satan would do the same, but just the opposite. he will work harder and tearing us down and doing what he can to take us away from the church. 

i'm still have a hard time figuring out what are trials and what is satan.. but all i know is that if i do what the lord wants me to do, it will work out. i know it will all work out.

i needed to vent

  

i have this constant battle with having a million thoughts in my head. i don't write my feelings down in a journal so sometimes i turn here to let it out. 

this losing a baby thing is extremely hard. i keep being told how strong i am.. but all i feel is how weak i am. i do not feel strong. at all. i feel like i'm ready to buckle at any moment. i do not feel like the same person i was just a couple months ago. i'm not the same person. this has changed me. at times i'm more caring. other times i'm just angry and selfish. my feelings can change in a split second. i can be so happy, then something will trigger me into feeling depressed. i need to work on balancing that. poor tanner.

 i've had more stress on my shoulders than i've ever had. i feel like it's just one thing after another and it's killing me. i used to live a life of complete bliss. i was super naive and sometimes i wish to go back to that. this life was not that long ago. everything before august was pretty perfect. everything fell into place. everything was going how i had planned. 

i've tried different ways to help pay for the doctor bills, but that has ended up with us into a deeper hole. i feel guilty that we have these doctor bills. when we left the hospital, my goal was to pay for it by myself. all of our doctor bills have always been because of me. first it was melenoma so i've had one appointment after another treating my skin. then it was me not being able to carry a baby. i feel so guilty. tanner works so hard and i feel like all our money goes to paying my bills. i hate it. i hate that we're paying bills for a baby that we don't have. i hate that i'm not being a mother right now. i hate that i feel in limbo. i hate that my mind is so consumed in what had happened that i can't make good conscience decisions.

we are leaving for new years and i've never been so excited to get away. i've been wanting to get away since august. all i want to do is be with tanner and not think about anything. not think about bills, work, getting pregnant, making people happy, but to just be alone.

i'm not sure who reads this blog, if anyone really does.. but i'd prefer not to get any comments to this. i know i'm going to regret posting this tomorrow, but i'm already feeling better. i'm not writing to get pity or advice or to be told to hang in there.. it will get better. 

i know others may read this and think i shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. after all, my life is great compared to so many others. one thing i have learned is that everyone experiences pain. we cannot compare our pain to others. it's still pain and it hurts us all the same. i've had people want to relate with me so tell me about when they miscarried but then they add "i know it's nothing compared to what you experienced." i want to shake them and say "it still hurts!" it doesn't matter what we go through, we all go through hard times. and we all hurt! pain is pain whether it's a pinch on the arm or a slap in the face. i feel like i've been getting slapped a lot recently, and i don't care too much for it.

tis the season

(i wrote this on saturday night)

 i wasn't sure what to expect for the holidays this year. i had told tanner several times i was really excited to have a baby for the holidays and that we would get to start our own traditions as a family. today as i took down our fall/thanksgiving decorations, i didn't feel sad. it was when i put up our tree and started decorating for christmas that i started to feel it. it was that empty pain that i have often felt. it's a real, physical pain in my heart. i should have been decorating with a baby in my arms. this should have been the time that we got to start memories and had our "babies first christmas." 

 i heard cuba barking at something under the couch so i went to see what it was. i pulled out a wooden children's block. we had people stay at our house while we were gone for thanksgiving and they must have left it. i was getting ready to throw it away and was looking at it as i walked to the trash can. i paused, kind of in shock. one side of the block had an "elephant" (elephants are a memoir of ivory for us) another side had the letter "i" (for ivory) and another side has the number "5" (she was born august 5th.)  it's moments like these that i feel her near. i love these kinds of things that remind me of her and i truly feel they are signs of her watching over me. 

 earlier tonight, tanner and i went to get a stocking for ivory and a ornament for the tree in remembrance of her. as we were browsing through the isles with all the options, the pain hit again. really hard this time. i could feel my heart breaking and a lump swell up in my throat. my nose started to burn and my eyes watered. i somehow held it together though. we ended up not finding anything we liked. i was kind of glad because i think i would have lost it right there in the store. walking away felt like a relief and i couldn't get away fast enough. i wasn't expecting to feel this way. i still want to get an ornament and a stocking for my sweet ivory, but i might have to prep myself first. as we were leaving the store, i picked up some random ribbon without paying attention to the color. i went to look for the price and the word "ivory" stuck out on the tag. i realized i had picked up some off white colored ribbon and put it down and turned around and ran into a stuffed elephant. shocked again, i walked away feeling happy. i have constant reminders of my baby girl and i'm grateful for them. so as far as i'm feeling with the holidays, it hurts, but i'm happy. i love this time of year so much. on the car ride home i told tanner about some traditions i want to start when we have more kids. i can't wait for those times to come :)