and... we got pregnant // 8.15.15

 in august of last year, we decided to pursue our first round of fertility treatments and prepped ourselves (myself) for an IUI. i have the worst memory but if i remember correctly, i took some medication for a few days, gave myself three shots in my belly, gave myself a trigger shot in my belly, all while going in to the clinic in between for ultrasounds to see how things were going. i thought i was handling all the extra hormones really well until one day i called my mom and couldn't even speak because i was choked up crying... for really no reason. i couldn't pin point why i crying but figured it was just, everything. 

anyway, i went in for an ultrasound and they said to come back two days later on saturday morning for the actual insemination. the whole bringing in the semen thing is awkward. but for me, doing the deed at the clinic is more awkward. so saturday morning we got up early, did what we needed to do, drove downtown to drop it off than waited an hour. during that hour, we got a chai and walked around the city. it was early and not very many people were out. we've never taken the time to do that in our own city! i loved it. one of those special little moments that i just felt happy. we went back to the fertility clinic for the procedure and our nurse was the sweetest lady i've ever met. she was round and jolly and someone i just wanted to hug. so i did. she told us with the biggest smile that his sperm was magnificent! (sorry tan) the actual procedure was more uncomfortable than i expected and i found myself squeezing tanners hand really hard. then wala, we were done. we went back downtown for boise's saturday market and ended up seeing some friends so we spent most of the early afternoon hanging out with them. quite the perfect saturday if you ask me. i love mellow saturdays with nothing on the itenery.. besides trying to conceive ;) 

i tried to keep my mind busy for the next two weeks before i would go in to see if we got pregnant. i tried to tell myself that my boobs were always sensitive and that i'm always this bloated. a few days before i went to be tested, i was with some friends at lunch and they all knew about the procedure and were asking about it. they asked me if i felt pregnant and i said yes, but i didn't want to get my hopes up. right as we left the restaurant i said screw it, my boobs are never this sensitive and went to wal mart and bought a test. i had taken SO many tests over the last two years and would strain my eyes to imagine a second pink line. i can't tell you how many tests i would take out of the trash minutes, or hours later just to see if maybe i missed something. but! this blessed test had two pink lines show up right away. i think my eyes popped out of my head and i just started squealing! i thought i would cry, but i didn't. i was ridiculously happy! i called my mom right away and all i really said was, "finally!" she knew. 

i wanted to do something creative to tell tanner and i hadn't made dinner yet so i went to get a pizza from papa murpheys.  the idea was to write on the inside of the box "from one papa to another, congrats!" but tanner got home before i did and i didn't have time to write in it. so we ate.... and my mind was turning. i went upstairs and grabbed the test and put it in my bra. i asked tanner to go outside to take a picture of me for instagram (sounded realistic) and i tried doing a pregnancy pose but i was too nervous, i didn't know what i was doing. i just whipped out the test and smiled and he just said, really?! and we hugged and kissed. i went in a few days later to get my blood drawn and they confirmed the results a few hours later. it was my same jolly nurse who called me and she went on to tell me to expect multiples.. most likely two. i was like, what?! she said my blood count was triple the number it should have been at that point.. so during the next two weeks before our ultrasound i was trying to wrap my mind around having twins. 

when we arrived to our ultrasound, the screen was set up with baby A and baby B.. after looking around for few minutes my nurse just stopped and said she was stumped. she thought 100% we were having multiples but there was only one baby. she said no one in the clinic was going to believe her because my numbers were so high but trust me, i am more than A-OK with one baby.

it's kind of cool to know exactly when you conceived and have an accurate due date. as of now, we are due may 5th, cinco de mayo but i think i will have HER, sometime in aprili. yes, it's a girl and that is for a different post!

ivory's 2nd birthday // 8.5.15

ivory's 2nd birthday was a relaxing, peaceful day for me. quite opposite from her 1st birthday. her 1st birthday started and ended nice but i was a wreck during the middle of the day while tanner was at work. tanner was in texas this year for her birthday so i prepped myself a little knowing he wouldn't be there for support when i lost it. because i knew it would lose it at some point. the day before her birthday was rough for me, mostly because it was a reminder that we hit 2 years of trying to get pregnant. i cried a lot and looked through the box of ivory's things from the hospital. every once in a while i let myself lose it and let myself feel the pain and let myself remember all the details of her story and in the end, i feel better.

so for ivorys birthday i ended up spending the day doing whatever i wanted. i prefer to be alone (or with tanner) so i can do and feel whatever i need to do and feel. i had friends and family offer to be with me but i find that when i'm with people, i don't let the sadness come through like i would on my own. i was prepared to let myself just be.

i woke up feeling extremely comforted and at peace.. not quite what i was expecting. i started the day by seeing a spiritual healer/massage therapist who i had seen a few times after ivory passed. the times i had visited her before, i left feeling better, but without clarity. i can't explain how i felt during this session.. i was able to go into my mind and heart in a way i never have before. i left her feeling full of gratitude and hope. i went home to shower and get ready for the rest of the day and a beautiful bouquet was delivered to my house. the note said "mom, i know this day is going to be hard for you. i love you, ivory." it was weird feeling like i had a direct message from her and couldn't figure out who really sent them. i later found out it was my brother in law and thought it was a very sweet gift. 

i went to the temple after getting ready (tanner and i decided this would be a tradition on her birthday) and was in a beautiful session there. i felt full of hope and just, happy. sometimes i go hoping to literally see a glimpse of my future but that's never happened. most likely never will but you can't deny the peace and love you feel while you're in the temple. i went with the thought of having more children and left with the song "press forward saints" stuck in my head. i felt like that was my answer, to keep pressing forward and to move on with the plans we had set in place.

after the session i went to eat at my favorite restaurant, the stuffed olive, and treated myself to dessert after my meal. i purposely waited to go to the cemetery toward the end of the day because nothing beats a quiet sunset up there. i was surprised to see so many things left for her. there isn't a better feeling in the world than to know people haven't forgotten her and took time to visit her. i cry just thinking about it. i brought my healing journal and just hung out and mediated. i very rarely sit and just meditate but i know it's so good for the soul. not too long after i got there, my brother and sister in law, with their son rocky showed up with flowers and i can't even tell you... the love.. i have for everyone who cares about my baby girl. they sat with me until the sunset and it was nice to have company there. 

i know this post is so long overdue but happy birthday my little girl.

summer in mccall // 2015

 my absolute favorite thing about the summer is spending whatever weekend we can in mccall. i remember my first time going there while i was dating tanner. we drove up from rexburg and got in pretty late. one of the first things we did was walk out to the lake and look at the stars and it was quite romantic. we spent the next few nights sneaking out to the boat in the middle of the night to kiss haha.  tanner pretty much grew up in mccall since his family has owned their condo for more than 20 years now. i remember asking him one time what is his favorite thing in the world to do? he said to spend time with his family, especially when all his brothers are together, in mccall. i'm so glad i get to share in these memories now. it really is one of the best places! 

i was thinking the other day how i used to take so many more pictures than i do now. i mean as a kid. i always had a disposable camera and loved taking pictures of friends and just whatever was going on in my life. you'd think that with my accessibility to unlimited amounts of photo taking i would take more, but i honestly don't. i think i hit a point where i was so consumed in getting a good photo that i had to take a step back and just learn to enjoy doing what i'm doing. i'm learning to balance that now by taking photos to capture memories and feelings vs. getting something valid for social media. for example, we spent a few weekends in mccall with several friends and family and i hardly have any pictures of them! my goal is to take more pictures of the people around me, instead of myself and tanner. 

this last photo posted was taken while we were with the lunt and gamette family. it was a super fun weekend spent boating, laying out, cliff jumping, eating, fires by the lake and even going to the island for a treasure hunt since it was our friends birthday. the weather was absolutely perfect and although it was the greatest time, i remember feeling so sad inside. i posted that last photo on instagram and a friend texted me with the photo attached and said she could see sadness in my eyes. she was so right. i had started my period that day and was extremely hopeful that we would get pregnant that month. we knew if we didn't, we were going to pursue fertility treatments and press forward with adoption. the friends we were with were fully aware of my situation and i'm glad they were there to let me cry to them. they've been some of my rocks during the last couple of years and are now my biggest cheerleaders. little did we know we would conceive the next month through IUI but when i see that photo, i remember the pain i felt. that's what i love about photos. they can capture a moment and bring back feelings from that time, good or bad. i think it's good to remember where we've been, the feelings we've felt, to try to be a better person for the present and future.

glacier national park // waterton, canada

^^ waffles of waterton.. delicious!

^^ wieners of waterton.. also delicious! 

^^ waterton was so little and charming. 

 it's been a long time since i've updated here (hence the crazy photo drop) and i can't believe i never got around to posting my favorite thing we did this last summer. my life got crazy after august and i haven't been able to keep up with it until now.

our trip through glacier was too quick but we were able to stay the night just outside of waterton, canada and spent half the day in that charming area. we happened to be there on canada day and got to watch a parade and feel some canadian spirit. i've seen a lot of beautiful places, and waterton is up there on my top 5 list. simply breathtaking. 

^^i don't even remember what this lake is called (it's been that long!) but it's a must see. we got there early in the morning before the clouds came in and soaked in it's beauty. after we found a rad water hole beneath a waterfall where tanner fished, and eventually jumped in (even though the air was kind of chilly, and the water was freeeeezing) and spent a little while in town drinking chai, eating hot dogs and waffles. it was one of those days that was perfect to me. literally my dream!