tis the season

(i wrote this on saturday night)

 i wasn't sure what to expect for the holidays this year. i had told tanner several times i was really excited to have a baby for the holidays and that we would get to start our own traditions as a family. today as i took down our fall/thanksgiving decorations, i didn't feel sad. it was when i put up our tree and started decorating for christmas that i started to feel it. it was that empty pain that i have often felt. it's a real, physical pain in my heart. i should have been decorating with a baby in my arms. this should have been the time that we got to start memories and had our "babies first christmas." 

 i heard cuba barking at something under the couch so i went to see what it was. i pulled out a wooden children's block. we had people stay at our house while we were gone for thanksgiving and they must have left it. i was getting ready to throw it away and was looking at it as i walked to the trash can. i paused, kind of in shock. one side of the block had an "elephant" (elephants are a memoir of ivory for us) another side had the letter "i" (for ivory) and another side has the number "5" (she was born august 5th.)  it's moments like these that i feel her near. i love these kinds of things that remind me of her and i truly feel they are signs of her watching over me. 

 earlier tonight, tanner and i went to get a stocking for ivory and a ornament for the tree in remembrance of her. as we were browsing through the isles with all the options, the pain hit again. really hard this time. i could feel my heart breaking and a lump swell up in my throat. my nose started to burn and my eyes watered. i somehow held it together though. we ended up not finding anything we liked. i was kind of glad because i think i would have lost it right there in the store. walking away felt like a relief and i couldn't get away fast enough. i wasn't expecting to feel this way. i still want to get an ornament and a stocking for my sweet ivory, but i might have to prep myself first. as we were leaving the store, i picked up some random ribbon without paying attention to the color. i went to look for the price and the word "ivory" stuck out on the tag. i realized i had picked up some off white colored ribbon and put it down and turned around and ran into a stuffed elephant. shocked again, i walked away feeling happy. i have constant reminders of my baby girl and i'm grateful for them. so as far as i'm feeling with the holidays, it hurts, but i'm happy. i love this time of year so much. on the car ride home i told tanner about some traditions i want to start when we have more kids. i can't wait for those times to come :)

peter & carlee // highlight

peter & carlee // highlight from darlene dame on Vimeo.

a dog or a child?

 

cuba gets A LOT of attention at our house. i have found myself going out of my way to make sure she is comfortable. when ivory passed away, all i wanted was my dog. i couldn't wait to see her when i got home from the hospital. she helped curve my craving for taking care of something who depended on me. she was the reason i as able to get out of bed in the morning because she needed me to feed her and take her on a walk. on days when i just wanted to stay in bed, cuba would be there with me, cuddled in any of my nooks. 

tanner and i have talked about how we feel it was part of the plan to get cuba. some of you may roll your eyes and think "it's just a dog." but this dog is like my child. people told us we were shooting ourselves in the foot getting a puppy right before having a baby. that may have been true.. but since i don't have my baby, i'm SO happy to have my dog. there was a reason we got her when we did.

 

 

 ^^i'm not the prettiest in the mornings, but cuba doesn't care ;)

  ^^we have a faux fur rug in the office and cuba can make it look like it snowed in there. i somehow still find it funny.. even though she can be a stinker.

 ^^tanner always holds her like this for some reason

^^she loves to be warm

 ^^you can't see the space heater she's lying in front of

 ^^she loves attention and to cuddle. i've never seen a cuddlier dog.

 ^^well, she kind of demands for attention..

 ^^and she will get attention in any way. i got up for two seconds and she was already in my spot. oh, and she's in heat.. that is our sad "diaper" we made when we ran our of her real diapers.

 ^^as you can tell, cuba takes over my life. i tried to balance it out by getting a goldfish. so this is bieber.. but bieber died after 2 days.

two wedding video highlights

sarah + victor // highlight from darlene dame on Vimeo.

kelsi + eric // highlight from darlene dame on Vimeo.

if you'd like to see more of my work, please check out goldenmomentsmedia.com

refrain from pride

proof office from darlene dame on Vimeo.

the gospel teaches us not to be boastful or prideful.. 

but i am going to boast because i am so proud of tanner and all of his accomplishments. he has worked really hard and has spent many late nights at proof's new office in towntown boise. he, and all the people at proof, came together and put their creative ideas to work to create an awesome flagship store. to see what it was before, to what it looks like now was a crazy transformation. my sister is law cristi joked about how cool their home would be if her husband spent half as much time doing projects on their house (not that their house needs it, it's beautiful!) that he did at proof. these boys have a great love for their business and they put their heart and soul into it. and it's really paid off! tanner has been so busy, busier than i can ever remember, but i will support him every minute of the way. he does it all for me. he started his MBA program at boise state and has been traveling a lot for work. with work, school, church, and life in general, i don't see him as much as i'd like but he somehow manages to be there for me. 

i love him.

(photo credit to cristi) 

proof opened up their store front a couple weeks ago and it's honestly a miracle they finished it on time. i guess that's the good thing about deadlines, things get done. these boys built nearly everything you see. they did the floors out of pallets and built the shelves and front desk out of piping. the back wall took forever to put together. there is an awesome barn wood sliding door (that isn't pictured) that is one of my favorite touches. they opened it up to the public with a bbq and prizes. we were all impressed with the turnout! it was busy all night! boise is a great place to live and i love the support from the community. we are fortunate to live here. a special thanks to our friends and family that could make it! it really meant a lot to us, and i know especially to tanner. you all are the best!

i have one more thing to be proud of... cuba graduated from her first course of puppy training! she can now sit, shake, lay down, stand, and leave treats until you tell her to eat them. way to go cuba!

(yes, i'm wearing the same outfit, and yes, cuba is in a bikini top.. it was halloween :))

family pictures

my friend michelle took these of us the other week. i was impressed with what she got, because i felt like we gave her nothing to work with. we were losing daylight and rushing to get to a game and cuba just wanted to run around. michelle was a champ and did her thing. i like what she captured even though my face is the roundest i've ever seen it.. time to do something about that, haha.

ivory's due date has come and gone..

..and i'm still alive.

i was worried about oct. 20th.. like it would put me in a dark place or something.. but it didn't. in fact, i was really happy yesterday. the days prior were a different story. i had several melt downs where i hurt so bad i couldn't even stand up. one day i went into ivory's nursery with the intention of putting her things away.. instead, i organized her closet and looked through her things from the hospital and cried. and it felt good. the hospital gave me a little packet with some of her locks of hair. i loved her hair so much and i love that they gave me some of it. oct. 20th marked ivory's due date and to me, it ended everything. it was my last hurdle to get over and was somewhat closure to this chapter in my life. now i feel like i can focus on the future and getting pregnant again.

it truly is a roller coaster as they say. 

you have good days, with a high, and you throw your hands in the air and are happy. then you have bad days where you hit the bottom and hold onto anything for dear life. i still have people sending me cards and flowers and little gifts. they'll never know how much i truly appreciate them.

i have been really busy and most of the time, it's been good for me. other times i don't want to be busy and just want to gloat in my sorrow. but it's the busy things that keep me going.

then there's my love, tanner. oh tanner. what can i say about that man of mine to express my love for him? he is perfect for me. he knows how to make me feel good. he knows the right things to say, and the right things not to say. he is my comfort and i'm so grateful for him. 

yesterday my sister in law cristi had us over to dinner. my in laws were there too. cristi had everything decorated so cute. i wish i would have gotten pictures of it. she had a banner with ivory's name and everything. she got three white balloons for each family to write love notes to ivory. after dinner we went to the cemetery and sent our balloons to ivory. i loved this and want to do it every year on her birthday. it was the perfect way for me to find peace again and to celebrate ivory and to know she isn't forgotten.

i'm so grateful for the good people in my life. i have developed friendships with people i probably wouldn't have otherwise. some people have gone above and beyond showing us their love and support.

night at the pumpkin patch

pumpkin patch from darlene dame on Vimeo.

 

family film at the pumpkin patch.

(watch in HD on vimeo..)

angel baby

my sister in law, cristi, took these pictures at the funeral home. i cherish them. i was asked if i wanted to dress ivory in her burial dress but i decided not to go.. i'm glad my mother in law and cristi were able to be there to dress her and take these pictures. i love them so much.