6 months.. whoa

i'll be honest with you. this morning, i had not idea it had been 6 months since the day Ivory was born. is that horrible?

 i was laying in bed when i heard the doorbell ring. i wasn't dressed so i looked out the window to see if i recognized the car. it was a floral delivery van so i threw on a robe and went downstairs. the man handed me a beautiful bouquet of white roses. my first thought was "tanner? is this an early valentine/anniversary surprise?" i looked at the note and the first thing i noticed was the date. february 5, 2014. the 5th? how did i not realize it was the 5th? i started counting the months and then was shocked at myself for not even knowing it was Ivory's 6 month birthday.  i read the sweet note that said, "6 white flowers to remember 6 months since her birth." these were delivered from Tanners cousin Lisa and her husband Greg.

 i have truly lost track of time. i had stopped counting the months since Ivory was born because it just reminded me that it was the same amount of months that she had passed. but this was such a sweet reminder of the beauty and joy she brought to my life. february was the month i found out i was pregnant. it was a year ago that i told tanner that we were expecting. i found out on our anniversary and told him on valentines. what a sweet thing that her 6 month birthday would fall on this month. so happy 6 months to you ivory! i love you so!

old san juan, puerto rico

new years eve

 new years eve was SO fun. i'm not one who likes loud music, crowds, dancing, or staying up late. can we say party pooper? all together now! PARTY POOPER! but this year was different. i was totally ready to go to bed at 10 but tanner made me stay up. we went out to the main deck where the party was and i actually loved it. i actually danced. i was actually okay with the crowd and loud music. tanner got us a pina colada to celebrate harder haha. i even wanted to jump in the pool. and i kind of wish i would have. YOLO.

 here's to 2014!

 this one is just for good measure. these professional photos on the boat crack me up so i had to sneak one of tanner getting his picture taken.

it's not just me

tanner took me away on a cruise for a week. i have wanted nothing more, since august, than to get away with tanner free from distractions. a cruise was the best thing for us because we were completely disconnected from our phones and the internet and just life in general. ( i lied, we posted to instagram when we had even the least bit of service, but that was it! 'addicted' ) i can't even explain how good this felt. the moment we got on the boat i felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders. i was free from my worries and stress! it had been a couple of days before i realized i hadn't thought about everything that went on in the hospital. those thoughts had been consuming my mind every single day for the past four months. and i went a couple of days without them even crossing my mind! it was the first time in four months where i can truly say i felt happy. i didn't even know i felt 'un'happy until i felt happiness again. i had no idea what kind of masked fog i was in until i broke free from it. i thought i was doing really well considering what i went through. i knew i was in a 'funk' as i recently tried explaining, but i didn't know the depth of it. i finally finished reading a book about parents who lose a child. i was reading through the grieving process and just chuckled because i was going through the grieving process step by step without realizing it. i went through the shock. i went through trying to seek answers and comfort. i went through the angry phase. i went through the confused and unable to make good decisions. i went through depression. it was funny reading it and realizing it was normal. 

one thing i have come to realize is: every one has something they're dealing with. we met a few people here and there and made lots of small talk. i'd say 90% of the people we talked to was dealing with something. not just small somethings, major somethings. on the plane i chatted with the lady next to me. she was flying to florida to be with her sister who just got out of surgery. i've been known to pry, so i asked what the surgery was for. her face got so sad and she said her 30 year old sister just had several cancerous tumors removed from her chest and throat area. they didn't know the results and she was flying there to be with her and to help with her children. the next person we met told us her husband of 8 years had just overdosed and died. she was also on the cruise to 'getaway.' another person was just divorced from her husband of 30 years. 

everyone has something. which sometimes sucks. because you need them, but then you find out that they need you. 

i thought i would be pretty good at talking to people who have gone through a hard time.. but i found myself at a loss for words with every person. all i could say was how sorry i was to hear about it. i would rather have people tell me they were sorry to hear about our loss, then trying to feed me comments they thought would make me feel better. so that's what i did. and it's all i know how to do. 

all i meant to write in this post was how rejuvenated i have felt since our cruise. it was the best time being with tanner and to just enjoy being together. i loved having tanners full attention allllll day. it was... it was just the best. i'm excited to post pictures and talk about the stops we made.

a good quote

mind vomit

i don't regret my last post. although, when i re-read it, i feel silly. it's a weird funk i get into sometimes. it literally is depression i think.. just not permanent. it's a feeling that consumes me and i want more than anything to break away from it. i usually can break away from it as my day goes on. sadly, i feel like it all stems from losing ivory. i get these feelings that build up and i usually try to pin it on other problems.. but really, i think it all builds up from losing my precious baby girl. i talked with a mother who lost her 13 year old daughter 14 years ago. she mentioned she has never felt joy since the day her daughter died. 14 years without joy? that scared me to death. i get where she's coming from though. this year at christmas, i was happy, but so sad. i felt a sting of pain almost every day since thanksgiving. the spark of christmas was just.. gone. i felt it the most on christmas eve. it took everything in me to not break down and to put on a face. i didn't do so good though. i probably seemed like scrooge to my family, but in reality, i was trying so hard to hold it together.

christmas day was great though. i woke up out of my 'funk' and enjoyed the day. it was very relaxed. we opened gifts and just hung out at my husbands condo in mccall with our family. i hope that next year will be different though.. i know i should have focused more on the true meaning of christmas. i just had a hard time focusing on christmas altogether. i hate saying that. this time of year is celebrated for the birth of our savior. i didn't do anything to emphasize that this year. not because i didn't want to, but because it never felt like christmas to me. i'm making a goal (new years resolution?) to make next year better. i want to serve more. i want to focus on my savior more. i want to stop thinking about myself so much and make others happy. this would be a lot easier if i get a baby in my belly ;)

after my last vent, i met with a good friend that night who i work with in the young womens. we went to one our girls choir concerts. on the short drive to the high school and back, i vented to her about how i was feeling. it felt so good to get it out and to get some good feedback. i brought it up that i'm having a hard time finding the difference between trials and satan working on me. i've never had so much on my plate that truly exhausts me trying to deal with. i want to say its just life, but through my beliefs, i know there's more to it than 'just life.' 

we talked about how much the world has changed and how much emphasis has been put on the members of the church to become stronger. my friend brought up that it would make sense, that since we have had so much recent instruction to do missionary work and build temples and to strengthen our testimonies and our families, that satan would do the same, but just the opposite. he will work harder and tearing us down and doing what he can to take us away from the church. 

i'm still have a hard time figuring out what are trials and what is satan.. but all i know is that if i do what the lord wants me to do, it will work out. i know it will all work out.

i needed to vent

  

i have this constant battle with having a million thoughts in my head. i don't write my feelings down in a journal so sometimes i turn here to let it out. 

this losing a baby thing is extremely hard. i keep being told how strong i am.. but all i feel is how weak i am. i do not feel strong. at all. i feel like i'm ready to buckle at any moment. i do not feel like the same person i was just a couple months ago. i'm not the same person. this has changed me. at times i'm more caring. other times i'm just angry and selfish. my feelings can change in a split second. i can be so happy, then something will trigger me into feeling depressed. i need to work on balancing that. poor tanner.

 i've had more stress on my shoulders than i've ever had. i feel like it's just one thing after another and it's killing me. i used to live a life of complete bliss. i was super naive and sometimes i wish to go back to that. this life was not that long ago. everything before august was pretty perfect. everything fell into place. everything was going how i had planned. 

i've tried different ways to help pay for the doctor bills, but that has ended up with us into a deeper hole. i feel guilty that we have these doctor bills. when we left the hospital, my goal was to pay for it by myself. all of our doctor bills have always been because of me. first it was melenoma so i've had one appointment after another treating my skin. then it was me not being able to carry a baby. i feel so guilty. tanner works so hard and i feel like all our money goes to paying my bills. i hate it. i hate that we're paying bills for a baby that we don't have. i hate that i'm not being a mother right now. i hate that i feel in limbo. i hate that my mind is so consumed in what had happened that i can't make good conscience decisions.

we are leaving for new years and i've never been so excited to get away. i've been wanting to get away since august. all i want to do is be with tanner and not think about anything. not think about bills, work, getting pregnant, making people happy, but to just be alone.

i'm not sure who reads this blog, if anyone really does.. but i'd prefer not to get any comments to this. i know i'm going to regret posting this tomorrow, but i'm already feeling better. i'm not writing to get pity or advice or to be told to hang in there.. it will get better. 

i know others may read this and think i shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. after all, my life is great compared to so many others. one thing i have learned is that everyone experiences pain. we cannot compare our pain to others. it's still pain and it hurts us all the same. i've had people want to relate with me so tell me about when they miscarried but then they add "i know it's nothing compared to what you experienced." i want to shake them and say "it still hurts!" it doesn't matter what we go through, we all go through hard times. and we all hurt! pain is pain whether it's a pinch on the arm or a slap in the face. i feel like i've been getting slapped a lot recently, and i don't care too much for it.